On the first day of the semester, Professor Sisyphus made a to-do list. As he completed items on the to-do list, he kept adding new ones at about twice the rate he crossed off items.
Professor Sisyphus graded the papers his students had submitted. The day he handed back the graded papers, the next paper was due.
Professor Sisyphus joined the committee that was drafting the new strategic plan. They held planning meetings. Then they held listening sessions. Then they drafted a draft strategic plan. Then they held feedback meetings on the draft strategic plan. Then they made revisions to the draft based on the draft strategic plan feedback meetings. On the day the administration released the new strategic plan, which didn’t reflect the committee’s work, they called for volunteers to form a committee to start drafting the next new strategic plan.
Professor Sisyphus was tasked with updating the website with news stories about what was happening in the department. New things kept happening.
Professor Sisyphus heard you’re not supposed to throw batteries in the garbage, so he put dead batteries into a drawer until he figured out what to do with them. New batteries were also stored in that drawer and often fell out of their packages. When Professor Sisyphus went to the drawer to discard dead batteries and retrieve new ones, he had no idea which batteries were new and which were dead. He threw away all the batteries. He bought new batteries. Professor Sisyphus spent countless sleepless hours worrying that his discarded batteries would leach chemicals into the river and contaminate all the fish.
Professor Sisyphus finally figured out how to plagiarism-proof his writing assignments. Immediately, computers learned how to instantly write B+ student papers.
Professor Sisyphus was asked to complete an assessment report for his department to prove that students were learning something at college. The first question on the assessment report asked what new changes the department had implemented from the previous year’s assessment. The final question asked for a prediction of what the department would report on next year’s assessment form. The administration said these questions about last year’s assessment and next year’s assessment would help the department “close the loop” on assessment. The idea of closing the loop made Professor Sisyphus feel good; he had been longing for some closure. But then he remembered loops are circles: closing them meant getting stuck in an infinite hamster wheel of assessment.
Professor Sisyphus trained a student assistant to put departmental news stories on the website so he wouldn’t have to do it anymore. The student graduated.
Professor Sisyphus learned a slang word. He was excited to impress his students. Then he discovered that as soon as he uttered slang in class—poof! It would instantly cease to be a part of youth culture.
Professor Sisyphus recognized that his body type put him at high risk for cardiovascular disease. He signed up for an exercise class where participants rolled boulders up hills. But each day he worked out, he felt extra hungry.
So Professor Sisyphus decided to incorporate more healthy fish into his diet. He loaded batteries from the battery drawer into his seafood toxicity test kit. However, because he still didn’t know which batteries were old or new, the seafood toxicity kit did not work. Also, because he had thrown batteries in the garbage, all fish were now toxic.
Professor Sisyphus studied hard, day in and day out. He made flash cards with pictures on one side and words on the other. He gave himself little quizzes to practice. Finally, after much labor and many mistakes made, he could remember how each and every one of his students spelled their name: Madi, Maddy, or Maddie. But by then it was Finals Week, and next semester’s course had already been enrolled by a fresh army of Madisons.
Professor Sisyphus wanted to commiserate about the Madis with his colleagues, but all his colleagues were named Andrea. He didn’t remember which were ANNE-dree-uh, which were Ahn-DRAY-uh, and which were AHN-dree-uh. He was pretty sure the one in the philosophy department was Ahn-DRAY-uh, but when he went to her office to joke about how everyone was named Maddy, he discovered the philosophy department no longer existed. In its place was a fitness center annex where a few Maddies jogged on treadmills.
The Madisons were running so fast. But they weren’t going anywhere.
Adapted and excerpted, with permission, from Bedtime Stories for Academics: Quibbles and Squabbles at Typical University by Talia Argondezzi, published by the University of Toronto Press, 2026.






