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The 16% of Dangerous Drivers Dilemma

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American roads have become increasingly unsafe in recent years. There is disagreement about both the causes and solutions to this ongoing problem. I am not going to pretend to solve this issue, but I do offer one explanation: the 16% of Dangerous Drivers Dilemma.

These in the 16% are the drivers who you see darting in and out of traffic, weaving at dangerous speeds on the highway. They are also the drivers who are constantly fiddling with and checking their phones. Every stoplight is a chance for them to get a hit on their addiction—perhaps not as dangerous, but certainly annoying delays.

This 16% concept encompasses drivers who are old, young, addicted, angry, and generally incompetent. In this article, I walk through the numbers and consider ways to grapple with this dilemma.

A simple illustration of the 16% of unsafe drivers.

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Normal Distribution of Human Capabilities

This 16% number I landed on has been derived from the concept of the normal distribution. Plot any type of skill or trait and you will find a bunched-up portion of humans in the middle, with a spread of variation emanating out from the average, on both extremes. This is the normal distribution.

The normal distribution is the spread of scores or measures within a population. There will naturally be a majority of scores in the middle at the average, spreading out with fewer responses the further towards the extremes. Of course, there can be subset population variations.

With the normal distribution, half of the observations will be below the mean and the other half above the mean. One standard deviation from the mean in either direction is 34.13% of the observations. Within two standard deviations is 13.59%. From three, it’s just 2.14%, fourth is .13%, and anything beyond these extremes is miniscule. I get 16% from the percentages beyond one standard deviation: 13.6%+2.1%+0.1% = 15.8%. I round this up to 16% just for ease of the moniker.

The normal distribution pops up throughout everyday life. The most well-known application of the normal distribution likely comes from IQ or other forms of testing, which I recognize is controversial (where most people relate these principles to a Bell Curve). Nonetheless, these tests are meant to be normally distributed. But even throwing this one out, there are other examples to illustrate normality of human capabilities.

The normal distribution works for basic demographic traits such as height or weight. But also works for skills, such as basketball or other sports. Only about 3.4% of high school basketball players make it to play in college at the NCAA level, all according to data from the NCAA. Of those who made it to college, only about 1.2% make it to a top pro league like the NBA. College basketball players are in the 95th percentile, while NBA players are in the 99th percentile on the normal distribution of basketball skills.

Approximated Normal Distribution of Men’s Height in the US, via Michael Minn.

These same breakdowns work with driving. Drivers for NASCAR are the same extreme end of the distribution for driving as their NBA counterparts in basketball. Like any skill, most people will sit near the average of the driving distribution. Yet, there will inevitably be a group at the end extreme end, opposite of NASCAR, that make up the 16% of dangerous drivers.

The driving test gives us one proxy for this concept. Data shows that 78.8% of American drivers pass the skills version of the test (the driving portion), only a few shades less than the 16% mark in terms of failure rates. Chalk some of that up to test nerves. Some may take multiple times to pass, too.

While we do not have great data on driving tests from the US, the UK provides national passing rates. In the UK, roughly 49% of drivers pass the practical driving test on the first try, aligning perfectly with the normal distribution. Drivers who pass the test in the second or third time account for almost 37%, which again aligns closely with the normal distribution between the mean and 1 standard deviation. Finally, a little over 14% needed four, five, six, or more attempts to pass. In fact, some drivers need 30 or 40 attempts to pass. Those in the extreme end are all the 16%.

Data from UK Department for Transport via NimbleFins.

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85% Rule

Another support for my 16% conception comes from the field of traffic engineering. When deciding what speed limit a street should have, traffic engineers do a study to see how fast drivers typically drive in the area. The engineers then average out all of the scores and set the limit at the 85th percentile of all driving speeds.

This means that speed limits in the US are explicitly tied to drivers at around basically one standard deviation from the norm. The practice tracks with the 16% conception. Traffic engineers quite literally believe in this range of human capabilities to successfully navigate roadways.

The process for setting speed limits in the US via USDOT.

In recent years, the profession of traffic engineering has been heavily criticized for too much adherence to car-centric environments. Strong Towns, in particular, has taken aim at these tactics. The organization’s founder, , says that the 85th percentile rule can be useful for high-speed streets, but it is not a one-size-fits-all solution:

A road is different than a street, which is a platform for building wealth within a community. On streets, where there is vastly more complexity, the 85th percentile speed is almost always misapplied. Especially where a forgiving design approach is used for street design, drivers will not perceive the complexity of the environment. When engineers widen lanes, create recovery areas, make curves more gentle, and use other design features developed for highways, they give the driver the incorrect signal that the environment is simple, that they can relax and not be hyper-vigilant. Speeds go up and tragedy is the inevitable result.

Despite the critique, it shows that there is a logic to the 85th percent rule; it is just taken to the extreme in most of our built environments. This is not a test of driving ability, as I am suggesting with the 16% concept, but rather just of speed. It does, though, give us a practical proxy that is used in the real world. I’m sure traffic engineers would love to have some real driving test for their speed studies.

The speed distribution maps with the normal distribution, via All Traffic Solutions.

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Follow the Insurance Money

Insurance companies know all about the 16% already. They price in the fact that not every driver is the same as the other. It is industry standard to charge different rates for various driver types. Very young drivers get charged the most, then the rest of us pay some kind of standard, and there are a range of ways to reduce that with good driving record.

Insurance companies do this kind of pricing because they are not in the business of losing money. On the contrary, they are quite profitable, and part of that business success is recognizing the 16% of bad drivers. In general, they track with age as a proxy, with young drivers paying the most by far. There is a curvilinear relationship to age, though, as it goes up, insurance rates go down. This is true until about 60, then rates start ticking back up.

It is a crude measure of the normal distribution, yet still illustrates the concept tied to real-world money. Follow the money! There is a reason why young men in particular pay the most: they are more aggressive, irresponsible, and stupid behind the wheel. The insurance industry accounts for this disparity in driving skill.

According to Matt Timmons, author of State of Auto Insurance in 2025, insurers will offer sharp discounts to perceived good drivers. “This includes a 10-15% discount for drivers who take a defensive driving course, a 10% discount for safe drivers who’ve been accident-free for over 5 years and a 20% discount for drivers with low mileage use,” he said.

The insurance industry is very lucrative. They are not into losing money. Even they can see the 16% Dangerous Drivers Dilemma.

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Drivers, Young and Old

The 16% label is not a Scarlet Letter. Instead, we age in and out of being in the 16%. Most very young drivers are terrible drivers by dint of experience. There is simply a learning curve for learning to drive. But there is also an immaturity factor. Teenagers think they can live forever and nothing can hurt them, with tragic consequences.

Confession time: I was in the 16% when I was a teenage driver. So were most of my friends. We were all idiots. And my own high school experiences saw multiple vehicular deaths that still weigh on me to this day. After a few years, young drivers age more into the middle part of the distribution to safer and reasonable driving.

Luckily, young drivers usually age out of this irresponsible stage, which is what happened to me. However, on the other end, drivers can age back into the 16%. As we get older, we lose our faculties. Our eyesight gets worse, our reaction time slows, and our mobility diminishes. Driving skills regress. Data from AAA show that young drivers are the most dangerous, but senior drivers are more unsafe than middle ages.

This degradation of physical abilities is why a lot of senior drivers drive very slowly. Driving slowly is certainly safer than the maniac teenage driver, but mixing slow with fast speeds into traffic causes its own problems. Again, it goes back to the 85th rule. Likewise, even at slower speeds, vehicles can be deadly if the driver loses control of the 5,000 pound SUV.

But there are even more issues with seniors losing their ability to drive, yet continuing to drive out of necessity. There has been a slew of tragic deaths recently due to senior drivers losing control of their vehicles and plowing into innocent bystanders. This is becoming a growing issue as the Boomers enter these age ranges.

Via AAA.

Super Speeders

Many cities have noticed that there is a small group of people who have an enormous amount of traffic violations. In fact, much of crime operates in the same way. Remove a small number of extreme end criminals, and a greater total percentage of crime will decrease, argued in the aptly titled paper “1% of the population accountable for 63% of all violent crime convictions.”

These are called “super speeders.” They make up a good portion of the 16%, and likely the least sympathetic. Often, this is not about physical ability, like rookie drivers or aging seniors, but just a total disregard for anyone else outside of their own car. States have been grappling with these super speeders across the country.

For instance, in New York, those labeled as “super speeders” average roughly 179 speeding-in-a-school-zone tickets, which equals a traffic violation every other day of the year. Georgia and Maryland recently passed "Stop Super Speeders" bills. Virginia and D.C. did something similar, too. The extreme end of the normal distribution for driving causes so much traffic violence and damage that states must make special efforts to grapple with this subset.

These laws usually target installing Intelligent Speed Assistance (ISA) or “governors” that throttle a car’s speed. Yet, advocates argue that the penalty of a short license suspension is not enough of a deterrent. '

Automatic ticketing cameras are another tactic against super speeders. A pilot program in Oakland installed 35 speed cameras at 18 locations. The results showed that 64.4% of drivers who received a warning did not get another ticket. But 30% of drivers received two to five tickets, 3.7% six to 10, and 11 or more at around 1%.

These types of cameras do work to a degree. “San Francisco’s speed cameras slashed excessive speeding from 25% of traffic to just 2% to 6% within a year,” according to the LA Times. But in New York City, the automatic ticketing has a lower fine than if written by a cop, hindering some of the sting to super speeders.

Not dealing with these super speeders has serious consequences. Speed is the biggest factor in fatal vehicle crashes. According to a study in the Journal of Safety Research by Walton and Hendy (2024):

Ticket accumulation need not be considered the best predictor of crash likelihood, but around 1 in every 8 persons (12. 66%) who accumulate more than four tickets within an observed two-year period are later involved in a CAS-recorded crash, where they are the driver at fault. This represents a large concentration of risk compared to the overall base estimate of 1.22% incidence over three years. This risk is clearly identifiable in a particular portion of the driving population because records are kept for every ticket.

While speed is the most important factor, these 16% go beyond just one measure. There is a general flippant demeanor to dangerously driving a 5,000-pound vehicle. In Maryland, one driver had over 900 unpaid parking tickets.

We could lop off some serious dangers if we just took these people off the road. Our laws are usually are forgiving to license suspension, even when they have some kind of horrible incident. And I don’t use accident here. Whenever someone like this kills or maims another person, it is not accidental; it follows a pattern of risky behaviors.

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The 16% Dilemma is Getting Worse

There are some aspects of the 16% dilemma that have been exacerbated in contemporary America. Our stroads do not help anyone, whether in the 16% or not. One of the key problems is the phones (I know, the root of so many modern ills).

I didn’t drive for almost 10 years, from roughly 2009 to 2019. This is the exact time period of the proliferation of the smartphone. The differences in driving then to now are stark. Everyone is on their phone. I am dumbfounded by just how often I see a fellow driver looking down at their phone. Given how dangerous it is, there should be more shame in it.

But people do not care, they simply look down at their lap, then snap back up like awoken from a delirium. In a traffic line, these phone drivers cause delays by limiting how many people can make it through a light. When they do snap up, they try to jam on the gas to catch back. This just creates more unsafe situations, all for a screen addiction that we have normalized.

On the extreme end, there are a lot of 16%ers who are simply driving around on their phones. It is stunningly dangerous. Yet, you will see multiple people doing on any commute. Next time you are driving, try to count how many you see on their phones. It should be about 1/16 drivers or so with their head looking down.

Via LADOT.

Another problem is that American cars have ballooned to ridiculous sizes. Bigger cars are simply more dangerous to everyone not inside of them. There are just realities of driving that relate to physical space. A person of smaller stature will have a more limited view in certain larger types of vehicles. They will be a danger to other people on the road because they have lower vision. There is no way to get around that other than simply driving a smaller car.

Height limits on certain types of cars would make sense. But there would be some kind of civil rights appeal. This is a very American problem, perceived personal freedom is a higher value than consideration to broader community, even if the behavior is risky or detrimental. See one example from Florida recently:

The Delirium of Dangerous Driver

As a society, Americans have been resistant to removing the 16% from out roads. Our overinflated, auto-centric design has limited our choices to everyone having to drive. Walking, biking, or taking public transportation is deemed too cruel and unusual for Americans. at recently published an article detailing just why it is so difficult to stop super speeders. In short: we aren’t allowed to.

Exasperated Infrastructures
This Is Why We Can't Ever Stop Superspeeders
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There are various laws that limit punitive measures. If someone doesn’t even hurt someone, just got caught driving in a dangerous manner, there is even more leeway. In one egregious case from Pennsylvania, an off-duty cop hit a family in a crosswalk because he was texting. He faced no real consequences, not even a suspended license, according to local news coverage. Stories like this can be found across the county.

There are arguments that speed governors are dangerous or too inconvenient. The problem with these arguments is that most of us cannot understand speed. “Quite simply, the faster you are going already, the less time you save by going 10mph faster still,” says Rory Sutherland for The Spectator. “Accelerate from 20-30 mph, and you save ten minutes on a ten-mile journey. Accelerate from 70-80 mph, and you save just over a minute.”

The 16% just make things worse with a lack of object permanence, jamming on the gas only to have to slam on the brakes because of cars in front of them. This creates more traffic because they end up bunching up with other cars when weaving in and out of traffic. We are too lenient on this subset of driver. They make everything worse. Yet even when states try to crack down, there are limitations. New York’s news Super Speeder Bill has been hailed as admirable, but it only installs governors for those with 16 tickets in a year. 16! That’s over one per month.

of has been critical of the unwillingness to punish these super speeders. He tweeted recently of the new New York law: “Don’t ever forget this story. Leading up to the crash, the killer had:”

  • “21 speeding tickets in 2 years”

  • “6 red light camera violations in 6 months”

  • “70+ other violations in 2 years”

He closed, “She was still free to drive at a murderous speed.” I agree. We must no longer accept the scourge of the 16% on the rest of us. Do we really believe we can stop maniac driving like this by asking nicely? Of course not.

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To Stop the 16%, Design Better Streets

Despite the obvious problem, there is not much political will in the country to grapple with super speeders, reckless drivers, or the 16% in general. Democrats tend to lean away from more law enforcement due to equity concerns, while Republicans have become distrustful of more government control, even if traffic enforcement. Changing laws and adding more enforcement is just not always feasible electorally.

This is where the Strong Towns approach can come in to address the problem. In this conception, street design should dictate the comfort of driving. If we want drivers to slow down, we need to make lanes narrower, add bollards or barriers (real ones, not plastic flexipoles), cover with overhanging trees, and other general traffic-calming measures. I have advocated for these things myself (see my video essay on the topic),

One street redesign example from San Diego, California.

What the Strong Towns approach does is take safety out of the hands of waffling politicians. In a properly designed street, a 16% driver will constantly show themselves by damaging their own vehicle. We want them to hit bollards and scrape concrete walls. This outcome is certainly better than flesh and blood of innocent pedestrians.

A driver who cannot successfully navigate a fast food parking lot without smashing their own truck they cannot be trusted to not hit a child. The 16% always reveal themselves.

My guess is that anyone who gets mad at this 16% concept is in fact in the 16%. They likely cannot stay off their phone, have heated road rage, or just simply struggle with the basics of driving. No matter, getting bad drivers off the road should not elicit hate. It should elicit cheers. And since we cannot always do that, we can help protect the rest of us from the 16% of dangerous drivers through smarter street design.

Thanks for reading College Towns. You can subscribe for free and without a Substack account (just an email).

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mrmarchant
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Why is this strange text everywhere? (Lorem Ipsum)

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From: rabbithole
Duration: 26:58
Views: 44,707

In which I accidentally become the world expert on the placeholder text Lorem Ipsum.

Thanks to Lorem Ipsum generators https://www.lipsum.com/, https://loremipsum.io/, https://generator.lorem-ipsum.info/ for making the corrections. Thanks to Silo for letting me license this banger: https://youtu.be/A_IlqfBhhKU

The mystery is far from solved! If you might have answers, check out my notes below.
Lorem Ipsum video notes: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16ovZH3SzXRAMXJc1y8wJo67_d7SwIy92HKD39tyLxrI/edit?usp=sharing

My Patreon, featuring my full interview with Richard McClintock! It’s entirely free, forever: https://www.patreon.com/c/rabbitholevideo
Thanks to the Patreon GOATs: Melanie Lin, Andy, Mathew Vicknair, Jay Hsin, Joshua Loduca, Casper, Alexander Hyunh, Robin Lowe, John Early, Eric, Barbara Abraul

*– Chapters –*
0:00 Why is this strange text everywhere?
2:09 The professor’s discovery
3:53 45 BCE to 1500 CE. Or not.
7:03 1914 - The Rackham Book
10:37 1987 - From print to digital
15:05 1966 - The Letraset hunt
20:12 An emailed answer…
22:42 Rewriting the mistake
25:25 The end :)

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5 hours ago
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The Three Ways to Make a Living

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Well, this is kinda depressing, courtesy of Jason Zweig’s father:

There are three ways to make a living:

1) Lie to people who want to be lied to, and you’ll get rich.

2) Tell the truth to those who want the truth, and you’ll make a living.

3) Tell the truth to those who want to be lied to, and you’ll go broke.

I aim for #2. But maybe society needs more of #3 and, it goes without saying, a whole lot less of #1. (via df)

Tags: how to · Jason Zweig · working

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ChatGPhish: The Page Is the Payload

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In our previous research on Copilot prompt injection, we looked at a phishing primitive hiding inside email summaries.

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mrmarchant
19 hours ago
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Mathematicians warn of AI threats to profession as industry encroaches

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Mathematicians warned against rising tech industry influence in a declaration describing the many challenges that AI poses to mathematics research. The timing of the declaration comes two weeks after OpenAI publicized one of its AI models as having disproved an 80-year-old mathematical conjecture in geometry.

The declaration was developed by a working group of 16 researchers over eight months following a conference held at Leiden University in the Netherlands in September 2025. Published on June 2, 2026, the resulting Leiden Declaration on Artificial Intelligence and Mathematics has been endorsed by the International Mathematical Union—the international non-governmental organization that hosts conferences and oversees the most prestigious prizes in mathematics such as the Fields Medal.

“Mathematicians should find it quite striking that tech companies are suddenly interested in their work,” said Kevin Buzzard, a mathematician at Imperial College London, in a statement. “The Leiden Declaration is a well-thought-through response to what is currently happening, as AI continues to disrupt this space.”

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The 100 Greatest Bird Names of All Time

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I love bird names. And in a world with more than 11,000 kinds of birds, ornithologists have had to dig deep to come up with unique titles for each one. While literal descriptions have their place (I’m delighted every time someone asks me the name of that black bird with red wings), we’re fortunate that many, many others are surprising, bizarre, never-before-uttered sequences of words or sounds. And each bird’s name carries with it a bit of history. They’re a window into the ways people have made sense of a vast world’s diversity through folk knowledge and science. They show how we relate to the birds with whom we share the world.

A few weeks ago, I decided that it would be fun to rank the 100 greatest ones. My task was made easier by Wikipedia’s List of birds by common name, but narrowing down 11,000 names (this is a genuine curated list, I really did look through all of them) turned out to be way harder than I expected. There are FAR TOO MANY GOOD ONES. My short list alone had more than three hundred, and picking the top hundred nearly ended me. It was also so much fun! I considered myself something of a bird name connoisseur, but many of the top names were new to me and so strange and surprising that they left me speechless.

A few weeks ago, I shared the ranked list on Twitter and on Substack notes. If you’ll forgive a slight departure from the usual essays that make up my Substack posts, I’m going to share this list here as well.

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But first, there have been a few fantastic pieces of Bird History by some writers on and off of Substack that deserve a mention.

  • James McCommons’s new book, The Feather Wars: And the Great Crusade to Save America’s Birds, is the first complete history of the fifty-year movement to transform birds from a natural resource into an indispensable piece of our national heritage. St. Martin’s Press sent me a review copy, which I’ve now crammed with highlights and annotations. It’s been a terrific resource as I work on my own book, and I’m deeply grateful to McCommons for bringing to life so many once-forgotten men and women to whom we owe our gratitude for protecting America’s birds. I can’t recommend the book highly enough. Get it here.

  • is in the middle of a terrific series on how the pink flamingo—both the lawn ornament and the ever-beleaguered bird—serve as a mirror to America’s culture, identity, and excesses. It’s been delightful and incisive so far, and there’s more to come. Read part 1 and part 2, and then subscribe to Unnatural Heritage so you don’t miss the rest.

Unnatural Heritage
The American Flamingo, Part 1
Good morning, earthlings…
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  • For his Substack , wrote a great piece about how, just decades before the arrival of Columbus, the bird-loving Aztecs took Great-tailed Grackles from their original habitat in the coastal lowlands and introduced them to Tenochtitlan (today’s Mexico City). After reading his piece, I went back through my eBird checklists from a past trip and was really happy to see that I’d seen Great-tailed Grackles in Mexico City, the modern descendants of a pre-colonial species introduction.

Charismatic Manyfauna
Did the Aztecs introduce a new bird to Mexico City?
In her spectacular recent book Fifth Sun: A New History of the Aztecs, historian Camilla Townsend imagines what it must have been like for a troupe of musicians to visit the Aztec Empire capital of Tenochtitlan near the height of the Empire’s power. The city, located where modern-day Mexico City now stands, was built on a massive man-made island in the …
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And now, here’s the list:


#100: Chad Firefinch

This is no Virginia Rail. Cockiest bird in Central Africa.

#99: Screaming Cowbird

Outscreamed the Screaming Piha to squeak into the top 100.

#98: Happy Wren

Would have been just as content to be left off this list, you can’t ruin their day.

#97: Middle American Leaftosser

When US politicians try to appeal to voters in the heartland, this is who they’re thinking of. But this guy just wants to know what’s under the next leaf.

#96: Handsome Fruiteater

There are three other “handsome” birds (Handsome Spurfowl, Flycatcher, and Sunbird), but these gluttons need representation in the top 100.

#95: Sandwich Tern

Named after a town in England but also two slices of wonderbread, a slather of chunky PB, and a spoonful of raspberry jam

#94: Willie-wagtail

Birds with people names are one of the best sub-categories, and none wears theirs so explicitly as this guy. (Robin, Jackdaw, and Magpie are others, I wrote about them here):

#93: Splendid Fairywren

There are four other “splendids” (Splendid Astrapia, White-eye, Starling, and Sunbird). It’s a tight race between them, but there’s no more ethereal group than the fairywrens.

#92: Zigzag Heron

My vision’s getting blurry just looking at em

#91: Three-wattled Bellbird

There are 33 other birds named for their wattles, including the bizarre and somewhat obscene-looking Wattled Ploughbill, along with four Wattlebirds. But none of them have three.

#90: Weebill

Everything’s little about the smallest bird in Australia but its bill is littlest of all. Decently cute bird but impossibly cute name. How could I say no?

#89: Charming Hummingbird

Charismatic microfauna. Got its name because an ornithologist thought it looked nice, and I don’t disagree. The group noun for hummingbirds is supposedly a charm, although I agree with Nick Lund that these terms of venery are a joke.

#88: Bananaquit

Tiny nectar drinker from the tanager family, named for their banana-yellow color. The best of the ‘quits (Orangequit and grassquits) and the bananas (Bananal Antbird and Eastern / Western Plantain-eaters).

#87: Tiny Hawk

Not a pro skater, but a teeny tiny eentsy weentsy little killer bird. About as big as a starling. Still twice the size of the smallest raptor (the Black-thighed Falconet), but this one’s got a better name.

#86: Rose Robin

There are 100+ birds called robins, all named after a real or imagined and similarity to the European Robin. The nickname spread everywhere the English went, for better or worse. In this case, it’s perfect.

#85: Large Green-Pigeon

Largest of the Green-Pigeons, this hulking bird tells you exactly who it is. A pigeon that’s large and green. This sort of honesty is rare these days and should be recognized.

#84: Greater Roadrunner

Unclear where they ran before roads were invented. The only member of the cuckoo family to make this list. Fun fact: “cuckold” comes from some cuckoos’ practice of laying eggs in other birds’ nests. Not this guy, tho!

#83: Society Kingfisher

After reading Bowling Alone they decided they needed to get more involved in their community. Find them at the Society Islands Elks Club in French Polynesia.

#82: Mealy Amazon

A few hundred years ago someone thought that If you look really closely at this parrot’s back it looked like it was dusted with flour, or.. cornmeal. Not a great fieldmark but I love the name.

#81: Oleaginous Hemispingus

The Oilbird didn’t make the cut but one oily representative still did. The name of this chungus means oily half-finch, which itself would have been a winner.

#80: Cinderella Waxbill

293 birds are “grey”, 32 are “ashy”, and 16 are “cinereous,” which all could have worked for this bird, but some ornithologist with joy in their heart called it Cinderella.

#79: Belcher’s Gull

My apologies to the British explorer Sir Edward Belcher, after whom it’s named, but I can’t take this one seriously.

#78: Noisy Friarbird

Here’s what eBird says: “Typically very loud; emits a variety of harsh, loud squawks.” Noisy indeed. Like their name suggests, friarbirds are all going through various stages of hair loss; this one is entirely bald.

#77: Limpkin

Named for its supposedly funny walk, plus the suffix -kin (like pumpkin, napkin, munchkin), a Middle English diminutive meaning little. These little limpers snack on snails from Florida to Argentina.

#76: Resplendent Quetzal

I get excited about any bird name that’s kept its indigenous roots. In Nauhatl, its name is quetzaltototl, from quetzalli (tail-feather) + tototl (bird). The national bird of Guatemala. Resplendent doesn’t do it justice.

#75: Flightless Steamer-Duck

Patagonian chunk duck. Can’t fly, obviously, and mad about it - known to kill larger birds, using their bony wing nubs. Got its name from the way they flap their wings when they swim fast, looking like paddle steamers.

#74: Restless Flycatcher

Will not sit still. Also known as scissors grinder and dishlicker for its quick raspy call. What I’ve learned here is that Australia is way over-represented in quality names.

#73: Christmas Shearwater

First described on Kirimati, aka Christmas Island. Shearwater (for the way they skim ocean waves) pulls a lot of weight too, as does the fact that they’re in the order of tubenose birds

#72: Apostlebird

Roams Australia in groups of 12 (or 6, or 40, as the case may be). Apparently also goes by grey jumper, lousy Jack, and happy family.

#71: Gang-gang Cockatoo

Gang-gang is also of aboriginal origin, probably related to its call, which sounds like uncorking a wine bottle. Cockatoo comes from 16th century Dutch “kaketoe,” which they borrowed from Malay

#70: Chaco Chachalaca

Say this bird’s name out loud. You’re already happier than you were 8 seconds ago. Chachalaca comes from the Nahuatl word for “to chatter”. eBird transcribes their song as “bink, ka chee chaw raw taw.”

#69: Obscure Berrypecker

If you see a strange bird pecking your berries, and also happen to be in the Arfak Mountains of New Guinea, this could be your bird.

#68: Milky Stork

The pantone people and the bird people have a lot in common. Sometimes you’ve got to dig deep for the perfect word, and in this case the bird’s slightly cream-colored feathers meant milky was the way to go. Only about 2,000 are left in the wild :(

#67: Blue-footed Booby

A classic for a reason. Booby comes from the Spanish “bobo”, meaning stupid or foolish, for their clumsiness on land and undeserving trust of humans.

#66: Emu

Unclear where the name came from (possibly an Arabic word for large bird, via Portuguese?), but in rare company of three-letter bird names (Kea and Tui). There used to be a two-letter bird in Hawaii, the Ou, but it went extinct in 1989.

#65: Monotonous Lark

Larks are known for their beautiful songs, but this one comes up short. eBird says they “incessantly sing a croaking, gurgling, distinctive four-note song every 3-5 seconds for hours on end, day and night.”

#64: Greater Prairie-Chicken

Clearly better than the Lesser Prairie-Chicken (and the Chicken of the Sea, for that matter). From a larger family of gallinaceous, or chicken-like birds.

#63: Wandering Tattler

Narcing their way from Alaska to the South Pacific, sometimes migrating up to 3,000 miles, twice a year

#62: Common Loon

Another classic. And while common might work as an insult, this bird is anything but. Brits call it the Great Northern Diver. William Wood called it a Loon first in 1634, writing “The Loone is an ill shap’d thing like a Cormorant”.

#61: Bearded Mountaineer

Not a rugged climber, just a lil high-altitude Peruvian hummingbird. But look at that beard!

#60: Growling Riflebird

Its black velvety plumage supposedly resembles the uniform of the 19th century British Army Rifle Brigade. Plus, it growls.

#59: Dickcissel

They get their name from their song, which sounds something like “dick dick dick ciss ciss ciss.” eBird says its call is “flatulent.” These prairie birds migrate every year between the tropics and the Great Plains.

#58: Beijing Babbler

Sounds like something J. K. Rowling would name a magical beast. But the bird is very real and boasts an impressive vocabulary.

#57 Magnificent Frigatebird

Also called man o’ war birds. They hunt fish on the wing and sometimes steal from other birds, reminding sailors of warships. The magnificent comes from the males’ enormous inflatable red throat sacks.

#56 Killdeer

Named for its call. Has not yet been known to carry out its threat. Quite nice once you get to know them!

#55: Ancient Murrelet

A tiny species of auk. “Ancient” comes from its gray-streaked feathers that make it look elderly, but I think the name makes it sound mythical and wise, maybe legendary.

#54: Dollarbird

Named for the coin-shaped white spots under its wing that you can see when it’s flying. How long could I get away with saying dollarbird instead of dollar bill?

#53: Robust Woodpecker

A sturdy, strong, powerful, solid, hefty, burly, brawny, vigorous, hardy, resilient, durable, reliable, dependable, full-bodied, stalwart bird.

#52: Paddyfield Pipit

Another name that’s just a joy to say. Wikipedia calls its appearance “undistinguished” and “dumpy”. I think it’s lovely. Found in farmland from Pakistan to the Philippines.

#51: Secretarybird

Its leggy striding gait apparently reminded Dutch settlers in South Africa of an archer, so they gave it the name sagittarius, which survives in its scientific name, and was probably corrupted into secretarius and secretarybird. Another theory is that the plumes on the back of its head look like pens tucked behind an ear.

#50: Squacco Heron

Lots of birds are named after their call but none so persuasively as this one. If a bird squawks, shouldn’t it be called Squacco?

#49: Long-wattled Umbrellabird

One of the more bizarre birds out there. It’s called an umbrellabird for the tuft of feathers hanging over its forehead. And its wattle? It reaches from chin to toe.

#48: Rusty Whistler

Endemic to New Guinea, but sounds more like the name of a cowboy or, I don’t know, a character in Cars.

#47: Quailfinch Indigobird

This name is just four nouns mashed together and needs some unpacking. It’s a poorly-known type of Indigobird, and lays its eggs in the nests of the African Quailfinch. It’s only been logged 4 times on eBird and doesn’t have any photos, but looks basically like the Dusky Indigobird.

#46: Mouse-colored Penduline Tit

Don’t ask me what color “mouse-colored” is, but there are 5 other mouse-colored birds (not to mention titmice, mouse-warblers, and 6 kinds of mousebirds). From a family of tits that makes pendulous, hanging nests.

#45: Zitting Cisticola

Cisticolas (roughly meaning shrub-dwellers) all look about the same and are best told apart by their songs, which they’re named after. Runners up include: Chattering, Bubbling, Rattling, Tinkling, Wailing, Churring, Croaking, Siffling, and Wing-snapping Cisticolas.

#44: Fearful Owl

Wikipedia says: “Its call is similar to a clear human scream.” Got it. Native to the Solomon Islands.

#43: Mrs. Moreau’s Warbler

Reginald Moreau named this bird after his wife. Her actual name is Winifred.

At this point I’ve got to plug Steven Moss, who literally wrote the book on strange bird names, where they came from, and why we love them. His book is called Mrs. Moreau’s Warbler.

#42: Ventriloquial Oriole

As in, ventriloquist. Really torturing the word to turn it into an adjective. Apparently it’s hard to tell where the bird’s call is coming from in the forest canopies of the Philippines and Borneo.

#41: Macaroni Penguin

Named by British sailors referencing its stylish feathered crest, just like the feathers in Yankee Doodle. In 18th century Britain “macaroni” was an insult for excessively fashionable men obsessed with Continental fashions.

#40: Modest Tiger-Parrot

Beautiful, not to mention accomplished, but won’t tell you about it. Females have gorgeous orange and black tiger-like barring on their chest.

#39: Dark-eyed White-eye

An oxymoron with wings. If you ask what color its eyes really are, it will fight you. Tiny range in the Solomon Islands.

#38: Capuchinbird

As freaky as they come. Named after the way their feathers rise up around their bald heads, like the hoods of Capuchin monks. Their call is almost as strange, giving them the nickname calfbird.

#37: Bobolink

Formally, Robert of Lincoln. Named for their tinkling, robotic song. Arthur Bent called it “a bubbling delirium of ecstatic music.” Marathon migrants, traveling from the northern US to southern South America each year..

#36: King-of-Saxony Bird-of-Paradise

This bird has a lot going for it:

  • There are many “King” birds. This one actually tells you which one.

  • Birds-of-Paradise are the equivalent of legendary birds.

  • Winning reason: four hyphens, the most of any bird.

#35: Diabolical Nightjar

Also called satanic nightjar and devilish nightjar, probably a reference to its call. Many nocturnal birds are considered evil omens or just plain scary, but to me this one seems no more evil than the average bird.

#34: Rhinoceros Auklet

Look at the bill and you’ll get the name. eBird calls this cousin of the puffin a “gray seabird shaped like a football.”

#33: Double-eyed Fig Parrot

If you’re feeling mean, call this teensy parrot four-eyes. Named from the pair of blue spots on its face next to its real eyes. Fig parrots live in Australasia and as their name suggests, have a particular fondness for figs (other fruit too).

#32: Andean Cock-of-the-Rock

Its name is a classic, and its appearance lives up to it. The male’s bill disappears almost entirely in its bright orange feathered crest. Nests in rock walls, which is where it gets its name.

#31: Shining Sunbeam

A literal ray of light. From the “brilliants” group of hummingbirds. Only bird with a poem in its eBird description: “You are my sunbeam, my Shining Sunbeam / You make me happy when you display / Aglaeactis cupripennis / Please don’t take my sunbeam away.”

#30: Vampire Ground-Finch

A species of Galapagos finch (ie, Darwin’s Finches) that evolved the taste for blood, which it sometimes drinks by pecking open the skin of Blue-footed Boobies.

#29: Carunculated Caracara

The bright orange wrinkles, or “caruncles” on its face and throat give this bird its name. Caracaras are raptors found throughout the Americas, and they got their name from the Brazilian Tupi word for their call.

#28: Hoary Puffleg

I had to look up the definition of hoary. It describes something gray or white with age, and I can see how that would describe the white feathers on this bird’s face. You can’t see it in this picture but it’s also got nice white fluffy legwarmers.

#27: Chuck-will’s-Widow

A sequence of words that was never uttered until someone tried to put a name to this bird’s call. Closely related to the Whip-poor-will, which deserves an honorable mention.

#26: Chocolate Boobook

A deliciously brown owl from the Philippines. According to eBird, its call sounds like “boop!” One of three chocolate birds (Chocolate-backed Kingfisher; Chocolate-vented Tyrant).

#25: Ticking Doradito

Not a dorito. NOT A DORITO. Even though they have the exact same Spanish etymology (diminutive of “dorado”, or golden, so “little golden thing”). If I could name one bird it would be Dorito Doradito.

#24: Laughing Kookaburra

You knew this one was coming. Modest improvement from its common name in the 1800s, “laughing jackass.” Kookaburra comes from the bird’s name in the Aboriginal language Wiradjuri.

#23: Stark’s Lark

This name is crisp, understated, economical. A two syllable joke. Sets it up with Stark’s before perfectly nailing the landing. I’m not sure how many bird names rhyme, but I laughed out loud when I saw this one.

#22: Squatter Pigeon

Never skips leg day. It’s not completely clear where the name came from, but probably either because it stays low to the ground or because it’s associated with pastures in Northeast Australia where settlers, called “squatters,” grazed livestock.

#21: Invisible Rail

Honestly seems pretty conspicuous for a rail, a family of birds that would all deserve this title. But it’s just really good at hiding, so it’s still relatively unknown. Large, flightless, native to Indonesia.

#20: Blood Pheasant

This bird is from the netherworld (or, the Himalayas, depending on who’s asking), and it wears the blood of its enemies in its feathers.

#19: Bare-faced Go-away-bird

eBird calls it “unusual” and says its call is “a maniacal series of cackles and whines given by multiple birds in chorus.” Has a featherless face, unlike the other two kinds of go-away-birds, which apparently all sound like they’re saying “go away.”

#18: Green Mango

The name makes you think it’s an unripe fruit, but it’s really just a cute hummingbird from Puerto Rico.

#17: Zappey’s Flycatcher

Sounds like a 7 year old kid named it after his imaginary friend. One of the most whimsically named birds. A gorgeous and uncommon bird from East Asia.

#16: Leaf-love

Plenty of birds are named for what they do (flycatchers, kingfishers, foliage-gleaners, flowerpiercers). This bird isn’t a simple lover of leaves, but the pure embodiment of a principle—transcending into oneness with the foliage.

#15: Firewood-Gatherer

South American bird that makes a huge nest of sticks, looking like it’s collecting kindling. In a family of many other fantastic (but not top-100) birds—woodcreepers, scythebills, xenops, earthcreepers, tuftedcheeks, treehunters, treerunners, and spinetails.

#14: Razorbill

With a goth look and a goth name, this sleek seabird is the closest living relative to the Great Auk.

#13: Snoring Rail

Perfectly evocative name. Sounds about like you’d expect. A rarely-seen flightless bird from Indonesia.

#12: Transvolcanic Jay

Trans, and lives in a volcano (or rather, the band of volcanoes stretching across central Mexico). This one was new to me, and better than I could have hoped.

#11: Pipipi

Called the Brown Creeper in its native New Zealand, but American ornithologists use the Maori name because there’s already a Brown Creeper in the US. It’s hard to believe that a bird could have a better name than this one, but there are precisely ten that do.

#10: Strange Weaver

On first appearances no more odd than any of the other weavers. But they’re a real freak, once you get to know them. Found in Uganda, Rwanda, and Burundi.

#9: Morepork

Sounds like a carnivorous frog. Or an order at a BBQ joint. Or a Capitol Hill lobbyist. But actually a small brown owl from New Zealand.

#8: Cut-Throat

Incredibly hard name. But it fits. The males of these otherwise understated birds have a crescent of blood-red scarlet stretching from ear to ear.

#7: Horned Screamer

A classic. Massive, swamp dwelling oddity. Even stranger than its cousins, the Northern Screamer and Southern Screamer. As the name suggests, very loud, and with a massive spike on its forehead.

#6: Inaccessible Island Rail

There’s a tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic called Inaccessible Island. And on that island lives a tiny rail, the smallest flightless bird in the world, about the size of a large house sparrow.

#5: Predicted Antwren

Based on genetic analysis of birds in the region, biologists predicted that an undescribed species of antwren ought to exist in the western Amazon. As predicted, they found this new species in 2013, hence the name.

#4: Surfbird

Coolest bird around. Give it a board and a pair of shades, it’s ready to shred. Spot it catching waves (well, just avoiding them) on rocky coastlines from Alaska to Chile.

#3: Supertramp Fantail

This name is breathtaking, bizarre, and entirely unexpected. Despite all appearances, not a fan of the British rock band, but rather named for a biological concept of rapidly colonizing recently disturbed environments, which this one does.

#2: Plains-wanderer

Mythical, austere, even heroic. Stars opposite John Wayne in a couple westerns. Even more mysterious than the name suggests. According to eBird, “unlikely to be observed without deliberate search and professional help.”


Now, as I stand at the precipice of proclaiming one bird name greater than the rest, I look back at the 99 that made the list and past them at 11,000 that didn’t, each unique and valued, and somehow all insufficient to embody the wonder of the birds they describe.

What makes a bird’s name great? That it’s funny? Or original? Are those better than the unexpected, unique, inspiring, delightful, or just perfectly apt? It seems audacious, even reckless, to say one name is better than another, much less proclaim one the greatest of them all.

These names are constructs, mere labels no more intrinsic to a bird than they are to a street or to a star. Yet to name is human, and so is to classify, and to order, and rank. Inventing names, and assembling listicles, are the highest manifestations of the human spirit.

So as a professional and personal duty, and without regard for the friends that may leave me or the enemies I may create with the top spot on this list, I’ve identified the greatest bird name of all time:

#1: Mallard

The name is innate. It is absolute. Its origins stretch beyond memory, beyond time. It is inseparable from the bird it describes. Mallard means duck. Mallard means bird.

Bird History is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.


Did I get this list right? Did I snub some of your favorites? I want your takes!

Putting this list together was far harder than I expected it to be, and I found dozens of deserving birds that tragically didn’t fit into the top 100 but still deserve some recognition. Here are some honorable mentions:

  • African Sacred Ibis

  • Bagobo Babbler

  • Banda Sea Monarch

  • Barred Becard

  • Bat-like Spinetail

  • Beautiful Sunbird

  • Black Jacobin

  • Black Berrypecker

  • Bohemian Waxwing

  • Bounty Shag

  • Brolga

  • Bruce’s Green Pigeon

  • Burnt-necked Eremomela

  • Checker-throated Stipplethroat

  • Chorister Robin-Chat

  • Cinerous Mourner

  • Clicking Shrike-Babbler

  • Coppersmith Barbet

  • Crag-chilia

  • Crimson Seedcracker

  • Crinckle-collared Manucode

  • Croaking Ground Dove

  • Dodo

  • Donaldson-Smith’s Nightjar

  • Drab Hemispingus

  • Familiar Chat

  • Festive Coquette

  • Fiery Minivet

  • Fiscal Flycatcher

  • Fluffy-backed Tit-babbler

  • Gibberbird

  • Hardhead

  • Kelp Goose

  • Lava Gull

  • Lemon Dove

  • Mewing Kingfisher

  • Moustached Tinkerbird

  • Nene

  • Oilbird

  • Okarito Kiwi

  • Phainopepla

  • Philippine Frogmouth

  • Pied Butcherbird

  • Pilotbird

  • Pyrrholuxia

  • Racket-tailed Treepie

  • Redhead

  • Rock-runner

  • Ruff

  • Salmon-Crested Cockatoo

  • Screaming Cowbird

  • Shoebill

  • Smew

  • Swamp Boubou

  • Tiny Tyrant-manakin

  • Variable Limestone Babbler

  • Vegetarian Finch

  • Volcano Junco

  • Vulturine Guineafowl

  • Welcome Swallow

  • Wrinkled Hornbill

  • Yellow-scarfed Tanager

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mrmarchant
19 hours ago
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