It is an interesting and somewhat macabre parlor game to play in the media business: to speculate who will go AI. By now, I no longer need to speculate. I have gone through the experience many times—with book reviewers, with tech reporters, with columnists. I have come to know the types: the born sloppers, the sloppers whom journalism itself has created, the soon-to-be-pilled. And I also know those who never, under any conceivable circumstances, would go AI. Let us look around the `net.
Take Ms. L, for instance. I don’t know that she’s ever publicly said so, but I will put my hand in the fire that nothing on earth could ever make her go AI. She’s written about the AI industry, and certainly sees clearly what’s wrong with it. But that isn’t the reason. Ms. L has been a correspondent in finance and technology for many years—she is as poached in these torrid waters as any journalist alive. It is not for ignorance that Ms. L will never go AI.
No, she will never go AI because the machine mind has nothing in it to approach what is already present in her own human mind. The machine pen has nothing to offer her life or her career. What use has she for a large language model’s mediocre ideas? She already labors beneath the weight of a stock of ideas far better than AI could produce, and larger than she could ever use. Even more, she has put in her time as an editor for other writers, and developed the skills and habits of mind to critique her own work. She does not require a mechanical red pen. And if a red pen is necessary she can always rely on her human colleagues for editing, such as Mr. P, who has already proven much superior to his own AI facsimile. No. Ms. L writes for the love of writing and publishes for the pleasure of sharing correct opinions and correcting erroneous ones. AI could only detract from that. Ms. L will never go AI.
You might think Mr. R not so different, superficially, from Ms. L. He’s also a long-tenured technology columnist at a respected mainstream publication. And yet he has eagerly, even gleefully, turned flack for the machines. He has delegated much of his professional life to them as well, and seems proud of it:
And why not? Mr. R is not known or valued for his elegance of expression. He has, at best, a “writing style,” and not one that can’t easily be duplicated by a large language model. Checking facts? Assessing his work’s strengths and weaknesses? More bathwater to be tossed out of this increasingly baby-less tub. So what explains Mr. R, who “expects AI models to get better than him at everything eventually?” Why does he go AI when Ms. L never would?
Mr. R’s secret is that his work is not primarily artistic or informative—it is functional. He serves a purpose for the industry he covers. Mr. R’s job is to absorb the tech industry’s self-mythologizing, and then believe in it even harder than the industry itself does. He serves as a kind of plausibility ratchet. His byline and employer legitimize a level of credulousness that would otherwise be laughable, and thereby allow tech PR to seem relatively restrained. Mr. R has no problem going AI because he himself has been a small cog in a big ugly machine for a long time.
Ms. R (no relation to Mr. R) brings us news of her former colleague Ms. M, who has casually admitted to going AI apparently against the policies of her employer, another national newspaper hemorrhaging both staff and readers. Ms. R writes that:
This is surely the first time Ms. M has been accused of “intellectual heavy-lifting.” Nevertheless Ms. R, who it goes without saying will never go AI, disapproves:
But after twenty-five years of dumb opinions clumsily expressed, is it any wonder that Ms. M is happy to turn over that labor to a device? AI couldn’t be worse at her job than she is, and anyway, being incompetent has never proven any hindrance in her grimly illustrious career filling the endowed Libertarian chair at a range of publications that wanted to help their other conservatives appear serious and thoughtful, if only by comparison.
Mr. N, on the other hand, will never go AI which we can admire about him. But he seems to have reached that correct conclusion via a chain of understandable but regrettably mistaken premises:
Ah, Mr. N! A good man. A hardscrabble labor reporter, a stalwart friend of the human worker. Nevertheless he doesn’t realize that despite its rarity, the supply of good writing always and everywhere far exceeds the demand for it. Mediocrity is no impediment to success—in fact it’s at least marginally preferred by what remains of the reading public. But whatever his romantic notions, Mr. N will never go AI and that’s what matters. Mr. N cares about his work.
II
Taking a rapid survey of the remainder: Ms. B will never go AI. She finds it “super embarrassing to me, and pitiful…”. Speaking of embarrassing, Mr. A.P. pays so little attention to his work that he didn’t even notice when AI cribbed from the Guardian for a book review it published under his name in The New York Times. “Can Art Compromise With Fascism?” asks the title of “his” review. Indeed. Mr. L onanistically confuses volume for value: “One Wednesday in February, he cranked out seven.” He could be replaced with a cron job hooked up to PR Newswire, if the traffic model of media funding were still viable enough to justify it. All the editors of website W decided together that they will not go AI, because otherwise what is even the point of website W. A different Ms. B denies going AI for her novel, but readers are unconvinced. Is it worse to get caught going AI, or to generate AI-quality prose with your own hands? Ironically Mr. M, who resentfully claims uncredited contributions to the reporting on this second Ms. B, has enthusiastically gone AI himself.
III
It’s fun—a macabre sort of fun—this parlor game of “Who Goes AI?” And it simplifies things—asking the question in regard to specific journalists.
Kind, good, happy, secure people never go AI. They may be the hard-working columnist, the former blogger, the independent media entrepreneur, or the virtuosic book critic—you’ll never make sloppers out of them. But the bored pseudo-intellectual, the rich and scared speculator, the fearful ink cannon, the fellow who has achieved success by smelling out the wind of success—they would all go AI in a crisis.
Believe me, good writers don’t go AI. Their race, color, creed, or social condition is not the criterion. It is something in them.
Those who haven’t anything in them to tell them what they like and what they don’t—whether it is experience, or happiness, or wisdom, or a code, however old-fashioned or however modern, go AI. It’s an amusing game. Try it with the next big industry you work in.
My apologies to Dorothy Thompson, who wouldn’t go AI in a million years, and from whom I stole both the premise and structure of this post and virtually the entire third section, which noticeably did not require much adjusting. “Good artists copy, great artists steal.” I said that.
I will never go AI, and paid subscribers ensure I will never have to.







